bacardimojito10

Wow.

Sun, 15 Jun 2008 07:21:28 GMT

This doesn't merit an LJ entry.

You were never worth crying over. You were never good enough from the start, as I finally have enough experience to see with clarity.

Don't you see, don't you see,
That the charade is over?
And all the best deceptions
And the clever cover story awards
Go to you.
So kiss me hard 'cuz this'll be the last time that I let you.

You will be back someday,
And this awkward kiss that tells of other people's
lips
Will be of service
In keeping you away.

Ignoring the phone,
I'd rather say nothing,
I'd rather you never heard my voice.
You're calling too late,
Too late to be gracious.
And you do not warrant long good-byes.
You're calling too late,
You're calling too late.

You'll probably never read this; it doesn't matter. There's no need to feel sorry for me; I only regret the time I wasted on you.

Your good looks can only get you so far. Being two-faced isn't quite as charming as you may think.

Have a nice life.

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 02:13:13 GMT

Don't stop.

get it, get it

how badly do you want it?

Sat, 10 May 2008 16:45:17 GMT

It's SO COOL not to have a boyfriend.

I had forgotten what it was like. hahahaha.

Tue, 06 May 2008 19:21:36 GMT

Back to this. it always comes back to this.

this, alone, has the power to take my focus off my last breakup - off final exams too, unfortunately - and make my head spin.

p.s. just to avoid any ambiguity, i'm not referring to drugs.

Mon, 05 May 2008 19:12:06 GMT

So, I was really excited about the fact that I might have a weekend job at Central Steakhouse this summer. It's one of the more upscale restaurants in New Haven. Quite expensive.

Yet, today, I've encountered two sources of elitism, both from Central Steakhouse and from other Yalies, and now I'm having mixed feelings about the whole thing.

Central Steakhouse displayed what, I guess, is restaurant elitism. They were concerned because my waitressing experience comes from IHOP, which is far from upscale dining, and they wanted to make sure that I wouldn't approach serving tables at Central Steakhouse the same way. Other Yale students, on the other hand, are raising eyebrows at the fact that I want to work there. I quote:

"I mean, it's waitressing. And you're a Yale student. Besides, there are so many on-campus jobs for which you do hardly anything and get paid."

The second statement is a valid point. But, Central Steakhouse will pay way better - $7.65/hour plus tips, and tips will be substantial in this restaurant. As for the first...I dno, waitressing was what we all did in high school. It's fun. And a lot of my college friends still waitress on weekends to make money and I've never thought anything about it. I mean, sure. I go to Yale. And it'll be awkward if I wind up waiting on any of my senior friends during graduation...haha. But...does going to Yale put waiting tables beneath me? I never thought so - it's just a job and I'm just a student...

Plus, um, I'm attempting to cure malignant gliomas during the week. So, that's a sufficient tribute to being a Yale student, no?

Granted - I would do SAT tutoring if possible, b/c they pay ridiculous amounts of money for people with high SAT scores to tutor people. But due to my weekday schedule that won't be possible.

All this elitism has put a damper on my enthusiasm.

Does anyone read this thing? Thoughts?

Mon, 05 May 2008 15:41:18 GMT

It feels SO GOOD to be single.

I feel like I'm always dating someone or other. Or multiple people. And I'm over it. OVER IT. I love being single. I love the freedom. And I'm done with dating guys with whom I see no future. I've realized that it's a supreme waste of time. The next person with whom I enter a relationship will be one with whom I can actually see a future, who I'm already good friends with. And I don't know who that person is, so I imagine that he won't be around for a looooong time.

Thank heavens.

I seriously dig this. Why the hell have I spent most of the past two years in relationships? I don't know!

Sat, 03 May 2008 16:28:15 GMT

I'm not sure I completely know who I am. I'm always making resolutions as to how I want to live my life differently. About things that I'll do differently in future, having learned, the hard way, that bad choices can really hurt you. About who I've decided I want to be.

I feel like I'm constantly learning, changing myself, making resolutions. Perhaps this is normal for an 18-year old/college sophomore. Yet, since we're apparently constantly gaining wisdom, does this mean that the process never ends? Good lord, I hope not.

Sat, 19 Apr 2008 19:41:09 GMT

I think I understand why men apparently have a hard time restraining themselves when offered sex with hot women.

I'm the same way. Not with hot women. But I have something similar going on. Whenever I see 1) pretty jewelry or 2) orchids, I have a hell of a time keeping myself from buying them. I think there's a psychological parallel. Humanity was made to like pretty things.

So, I think it must be a lot easier to be a man. Buying jewelry and orchids is going to put a major dent in my bank account, unless I stop, and I probably won't stop. Whereas you can't buy hot women.

Actually, I guess you can. Oh, nevermind...

Wed, 16 Apr 2008 05:01:02 GMT

I'm happy. Happier, in a sense, without Josh. I like being single. I like the freedom. And I like the fact that my focus level on school just...quadrupled.

I did love him. Given time, this could have developed into something really great. Time was what we didn't have, and since he apparently was not up to maintaining this long-distance, time is something we never would've had. I wish I was aware of this from the beginning - I would've stopped myself from developing feelings.

Then again, do I really wish that? Love lifts you up. Love makes you want to be a better person. I don't regret that.

I was angry at him, but now I'm not. It's amazing how much my feelings can change over the course of, what, five or six days? I've forgiven him. I don't think it was entirely fair of him to start things without warning me that this relationship had a deadline in his mind, but...it's okay.

The thing is, he and I had some great times together. We have a lot in common. We're both very much into research. We're both interested in psychiatry. Also, we're both very good-looking. And if I hadn't dated him, he's someone with whom I'd want to be friends. I mean, we'll probably be reading each others' research papers later in life. We'll probably consider each other colleagues in the medical field. And, I kind of want to keep him in my life. Like...we should be friends.

We never really developed a friendship, per se. We kind of skipped straight to the physical stuff. haha. That's the nature of dating in college, and it's something I have a major issue with, because skipping straight to the physical prevents you from actually getting to know the person. And it releases oxytocin, which can cause infatuation, causing you to 1) bind yourself to the wrong guy and 2) be distracted as hell. But hey, it was fun.

I've decided that, now, I want to become friends, if he's willing. He's a good person. He was nothing BUT good for me. Up till the point that he broke up with me, but it's okay.

Funny, I still don't feel up to talking to him, but I can do that whenever. Back to work.

Sat, 12 Apr 2008 17:24:42 GMT

so apparently josh was having the same thoughts about me. except he actually took action.

i quote:
"at this point in our relationship, i should be telling you that i love you. but it bothers me a lot that i see a deadline to this relationship...i'm going to be in DC next year, and wherever after that. and that's why i'm being emotionally distant. i'm protecting myself from getting fully emotionally involved."

kind of what i've been doing. except i didn't protect myself enough. because i keep crying when i least expect i. i keep getting distracted from studying because i keep crying. and i keep trying to find something that i couldve done to make it work. except there was nothing, in this case.

AND he has a pair of my earrings. i want them back. but i cant bring myself to talk to him right now. or anytime soon. dammit.

Mon, 31 Mar 2008 23:10:56 GMT

I just realized how much sexier just about every shirt is, when worn without a bra.

Every girl should go braless.

Sat, 29 Mar 2008 19:34:50 GMT

uhhh yeah. i think this is unrequited love. oh well.

also, my nail polish chipped and i had JUST gotten a french manicure dammittttt

Wed, 27 Feb 2008 05:51:52 GMT

I'm talking, I'm talking
I believe in the power of love
I'm singing, I'm singing
I believe that you can rescue me

With you I'm not a little girl
With you I'm not a man
When all the hurt inside of me comes out
You understand
You see that I'm ferocious
You see that I am weak
You see that I am silly
And pretentious and a freak

But I don't feel too strange for you
Don't know exactly what you do
I think when love is pure you try
To understand the reasons why
And I prefer this mystery
It cancels out my misery
And gives me hope that there could be
A person that loves me

With you I'm not a fascist
Can't play you like a toy
And when I need to dominate
You're not my little boy
You see that I am hungry
For a life of understanding
And you forgive my angry little heart
When she's demanding
You bring me to my knees
While I'm scratching out the eyes
Of a world I want to conquer
And deliver, and despise
And right while I am kneeling there
I suddenly begin to care
And understand that there could be
A person that loves me

Love is understanding
It's hard to believe
Life can be so demanding
I'm sending out an S.O.S.
Stop me from drowning
Baby I'll do the rest

It's not my business to decide
How good you are for me
How valuable you are
And what the world can see
Only that you try to understand me
And have the courage to love me for me

Sat, 23 Feb 2008 18:04:12 GMT

me: you said "see you around" last night...did that mean that you dont want us to see each other any longer?
josh: um. no.

hahahaha...wow tricia. wow.

Sat, 23 Feb 2008 15:59:45 GMT

if and when things are over with this guy - and i'm pretty sure they are or will be over - i don't want to date for a long time.

if things are over, it's really my fault. i'm not over things that happened in my last relationship. it's affecting things with my new relationship. i should have been smart enough to say no when you asked me to dinner in the first place.

damn you tricia.

Sat, 23 Feb 2008 07:26:01 GMT

tonight, i asked you what you and i are. you told me that you figured we were going out.

i guess we are. ha, despite the fact that you didnt call me all of last week. buuut it doesnt matter.

you dont understand why i always hold you at arm's length. i'm sorry.

just that. i'm sorry. i can't stop crying right now. you have no idea what was going on in my last relationship. all right, you have an idea. but then again, it's just an idea.

when i left tonight, you said, "i'll see you around." who the hell says that to someone they're "going out" with?

and given the events of tonight - the fact that i couldnt tell you so mucha bout my past, the fact that we literally could not sleep in the same bed......maybe, yeah, i'll see you around.

maybe i should call you tomorrow and break off the relationship that we're apparently in, or were in, whatever before this brings about more heartache.

i like you too much. you dont understand...you cant.

Wed, 20 Feb 2008 22:43:43 GMT

I have the opportunity to do stem cell research at Tec de Monterrey in Mexico.

It would be incredible to spend a summer in Mexico.

Part of me feels like I should take advantage of this opportunity. But...there are other considerations.

And the fact that this WOULD break me and Josh up isn't the least of the considerations. Granted, I've only dated this guy for three weeks. And I'm terrified of relationships in general and trusting guys and all that... yet, part of me actually DOESN'T want us to break up.

Oh, lord. Life.

Sun, 17 Feb 2008 20:48:04 GMT

i don't know what to make of it.

ive only been dating you three weeks. but this relationship, or whatever you want to call it, is so...healthy. at least, it feels that way.

i like being around you. you don't push me into anything that i don't want to do. you never push my boundaries. you always respect me.

i'm not constantly dreading what'll happen next. in fact, you make me happy.

and you like me...i guess?

it seems too good to be true.

Sat, 09 Feb 2008 04:44:46 GMT

Haha, so I had sworn off guys in general. But you know what? I can tell that you're a good guy. I have a good feeling about you. I have a good feeling about this. And although, if I ever tell you, it'll be months from now, by coming into my life, you stopped me from self-destructing.

Thanks to you, I'm learning what a healthy relationship is - because I've never really been in one - And I'm going to let this go where it may.

I like you.

Fri, 08 Feb 2008 02:38:23 GMT

I watched the proverbial sunrise
Coming up over the Pacific and
You might think I'm losing my mind,
But I will shy away from the specifics...

'cause I don't want you to know where I am
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
That it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

I heard the reverberating footsteps
Synching up to the beating of my heart,
And I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.

And I can't let that happen again
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

Wed, 06 Feb 2008 17:15:53 GMT

So I finally have all my grades from last semester, and let me just say that I am QUITE pleased with myself. :)

Also, there's a new guy in the picture. He's supercute.

Things are going well. Really well. Finally.

Fri, 01 Feb 2008 14:46:01 GMT

I finally understand what they mean when they say that a large part of the value of a Yale education comes from the people you can network with.

Lately, I have been networking my heart out, working with people from the Yale Entrepreneurial Society, Yale Daily News, and numerous lab scientists.

I finally have time to - THIS is why I shouldn't have taken six classes last semester.

I'm going to make something of myself. Hooha.

Tue, 29 Jan 2008 07:12:48 GMT

shit. he's interested. and we have a date.

fuck.

why does this always happen?

i'm scared. scared, scared, scared.

i'm not in a good place right now, mentally, emotionally, even physically. and i should not have said yes.

Mon, 28 Jan 2008 23:13:57 GMT

Ummm I'm crushing on a boy.

This is good - it's nothing serious but it's a much-needed distraction from all the pain of my last relationship.

Tue, 22 Jan 2008 18:44:49 GMT

I saw you on the street today...and god, you look sexy as hell in sunglasses. Despite the fact that you're obviously wearing them because you KNOW you look sexy in them...given that it's definitely not sunny out and *nobody* else is wearing sunglasses.

We're strangers now, more or less, and we're pretending to not know each other, outside of a wave to say hello.

I loved you. I still love you. And it hurts me.