This doesn't merit an LJ entry.

You were never worth crying over. You were never good enough from the start, as I finally have enough experience to see with clarity.

Don't you see, don't you see,
That the charade is over?
And all the best deceptions
And the clever cover story awards
Go to you.
So kiss me hard 'cuz this'll be the last time that I let you.

You will be back someday,
And this awkward kiss that tells of other people's
lips
Will be of service
In keeping you away.

Ignoring the phone,
I'd rather say nothing,
I'd rather you never heard my voice.
You're calling too late,
Too late to be gracious.
And you do not warrant long good-byes.
You're calling too late,
You're calling too late.

You'll probably never read this; it doesn't matter. There's no need to feel sorry for me; I only regret the time I wasted on you.

Your good looks can only get you so far. Being two-faced isn't quite as charming as you may think.

Have a nice life.

Don't stop.

get it, get it

how badly do you want it?

It's SO COOL not to have a boyfriend.

I had forgotten what it was like. hahahaha.

Back to this. it always comes back to this.

this, alone, has the power to take my focus off my last breakup - off final exams too, unfortunately - and make my head spin.




p.s. just to avoid any ambiguity, i'm not referring to drugs.

So, I was really excited about the fact that I might have a weekend job at Central Steakhouse this summer. It's one of the more upscale restaurants in New Haven. Quite expensive.

Yet, today, I've encountered two sources of elitism, both from Central Steakhouse and from other Yalies, and now I'm having mixed feelings about the whole thing.

Central Steakhouse displayed what, I guess, is restaurant elitism. They were concerned because my waitressing experience comes from IHOP, which is far from upscale dining, and they wanted to make sure that I wouldn't approach serving tables at Central Steakhouse the same way. Other Yale students, on the other hand, are raising eyebrows at the fact that I want to work there. I quote:

"I mean, it's waitressing. And you're a Yale student. Besides, there are so many on-campus jobs for which you do hardly anything and get paid."

The second statement is a valid point. But, Central Steakhouse will pay way better - $7.65/hour plus tips, and tips will be substantial in this restaurant. As for the first...I dno, waitressing was what we all did in high school. It's fun. And a lot of my college friends still waitress on weekends to make money and I've never thought anything about it. I mean, sure. I go to Yale. And it'll be awkward if I wind up waiting on any of my senior friends during graduation...haha. But...does going to Yale put waiting tables beneath me? I never thought so - it's just a job and I'm just a student...

Plus, um, I'm attempting to cure malignant gliomas during the week. So, that's a sufficient tribute to being a Yale student, no?

Granted - I would do SAT tutoring if possible, b/c they pay ridiculous amounts of money for people with high SAT scores to tutor people. But due to my weekday schedule that won't be possible.

All this elitism has put a damper on my enthusiasm.

Does anyone read this thing? Thoughts?

It feels SO GOOD to be single.

I feel like I'm always dating someone or other. Or multiple people. And I'm over it. OVER IT. I love being single. I love the freedom. And I'm done with dating guys with whom I see no future. I've realized that it's a supreme waste of time. The next person with whom I enter a relationship will be one with whom I can actually see a future, who I'm already good friends with. And I don't know who that person is, so I imagine that he won't be around for a looooong time.

Thank heavens.

I seriously dig this. Why the hell have I spent most of the past two years in relationships? I don't know!

I'm not sure I completely know who I am. I'm always making resolutions as to how I want to live my life differently. About things that I'll do differently in future, having learned, the hard way, that bad choices can really hurt you. About who I've decided I want to be.

I feel like I'm constantly learning, changing myself, making resolutions. Perhaps this is normal for an 18-year old/college sophomore. Yet, since we're apparently constantly gaining wisdom, does this mean that the process never ends? Good lord, I hope not.

I think I understand why men apparently have a hard time restraining themselves when offered sex with hot women.

I'm the same way. Not with hot women. But I have something similar going on. Whenever I see 1) pretty jewelry or 2) orchids, I have a hell of a time keeping myself from buying them. I think there's a psychological parallel. Humanity was made to like pretty things.

So, I think it must be a lot easier to be a man. Buying jewelry and orchids is going to put a major dent in my bank account, unless I stop, and I probably won't stop. Whereas you can't buy hot women.

Actually, I guess you can. Oh, nevermind...

I'm happy. Happier, in a sense, without Josh. I like being single. I like the freedom. And I like the fact that my focus level on school just...quadrupled.

I did love him. Given time, this could have developed into something really great. Time was what we didn't have, and since he apparently was not up to maintaining this long-distance, time is something we never would've had. I wish I was aware of this from the beginning - I would've stopped myself from developing feelings.

Then again, do I really wish that? Love lifts you up. Love makes you want to be a better person. I don't regret that.

I was angry at him, but now I'm not. It's amazing how much my feelings can change over the course of, what, five or six days? I've forgiven him. I don't think it was entirely fair of him to start things without warning me that this relationship had a deadline in his mind, but...it's okay.

The thing is, he and I had some great times together. We have a lot in common. We're both very much into research. We're both interested in psychiatry. Also, we're both very good-looking. And if I hadn't dated him, he's someone with whom I'd want to be friends. I mean, we'll probably be reading each others' research papers later in life. We'll probably consider each other colleagues in the medical field. And, I kind of want to keep him in my life. Like...we should be friends.

We never really developed a friendship, per se. We kind of skipped straight to the physical stuff. haha. That's the nature of dating in college, and it's something I have a major issue with, because skipping straight to the physical prevents you from actually getting to know the person. And it releases oxytocin, which can cause infatuation, causing you to 1) bind yourself to the wrong guy and 2) be distracted as hell. But hey, it was fun.

I've decided that, now, I want to become friends, if he's willing. He's a good person. He was nothing BUT good for me. Up till the point that he broke up with me, but it's okay.

Funny, I still don't feel up to talking to him, but I can do that whenever. Back to work.

so apparently josh was having the same thoughts about me. except he actually took action.

i quote:
"at this point in our relationship, i should be telling you that i love you. but it bothers me a lot that i see a deadline to this relationship...i'm going to be in DC next year, and wherever after that. and that's why i'm being emotionally distant. i'm protecting myself from getting fully emotionally involved."

kind of what i've been doing. except i didn't protect myself enough. because i keep crying when i least expect i. i keep getting distracted from studying because i keep crying. and i keep trying to find something that i couldve done to make it work. except there was nothing, in this case.

AND he has a pair of my earrings. i want them back. but i cant bring myself to talk to him right now. or anytime soon. dammit.